Dr. John Gottman is a relationship expert who's cracked the code on what makes marriages work (or fail) based on research of over 3,000 couples. He's famous for his "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – four destructive behaviours that are the greatest predictors of divorce/relationship breakdown: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
So, let's have a look at each of these behaviours and how you can work at changing them if they are present in your relationship.
Let's start with criticism... Criticism is attacking your partner's personality or character, rather than the behaviour or issue.
Picture this. You're frustrated because you feel like you're the only one who sees the mess around the house. Faced with a pair of smelly socks on the floor you shout to your partner "You always leave your dirty clothes lying around, how hard is it to put them in the laundry basket?!" Ouch. We've all been there at some point. And whilst you may have a point that yes, the socks were left on the floor, coming in hot like this will only put your partner offside, and automatically not listen to you.
If you're saying"you always..." or "you never...", this is a good indicator that your statement is criticism, and your partner is probably not going to respond well to that. Nobody likes to feel attacked.
So what can you do instead? Tame that harsh start-up by coming in gently and with understanding. Maybe your partner isn't leaving clothes on the floor to make you mad or give you more work to do and was in a hurry or thinking of something else.
Make the statements more about your feelings than them, about the situation (not the person), and then state a positive need instead of what you don't need or are fed up with (this provides a solution) and ask their thoughts on it. Coming in this way will be much more effective and invites your partner in rather than pushing them away.
Here's an example. "Hey honey, I noticed there are some clothes on the floor. I know how busy we can get, so I was wondering if we could try to keep the bedroom a little tidier. Maybe we could put the clothes straight in the basket after we change? What do you think?"
Now let's look at defensiveness.
In response to criticism, you're likely to receive return fire from your partner. Defensiveness can look like a counterattack, blaming your partner or minimising what they are saying rather than navigating the issue and working toward a resolution.
A defensive response from the socks on the floor could be something like "Well you left your dishes out at breakfast and I had to pick them up!"... And at this point, you're getting nowhere. This is why your conflict doesn't get resolved, neither of you is being heard or understood and it's likely things could escalate from this point.
Instead, you want to be taking responsibility for your actions and behaviours. See if you can understand your partner's perspective and take what they are saying on board. Do they have a point? You could say something like"You're right. I should be more mindful about putting my clothes away. I'll try to do better from now on." And then follow that through with action.
Next up is contempt. This is considered to be the worst of the four because it is exhibiting disgust in your partner. Think of belittling your partner with sarcasm, insults or mockery and a condescending tone. This one really stings.
Bringing up the issue with contempt: "Can you please pick up your dirty clothes? You're a gross slob and I'm sick of being your mother."
Responding with contempt: "Not this again, you're such a nag I wish you'd stop complaining all the time."
Yeah... you'll want to be avoiding this as much as possible if you want to have a good relationship.
You're more likely to run with contempt if you have a negative perspective of your partner. This can come about for a variety of reasons - disconnection, lack of intimacy, poor communication, escalating conflict over time and any other number of reasons. Working at getting that back requires treating each other with respect, kindness, empathy, and understanding. And in conflict, it requires seeing your partner as your teammate, not your rival.
Lastly, we have stonewalling. Stonewalling could look like shutting down by going silent, physically walking away, changing the subject, or using sarcasm or humour to avoid talking about something important.
Stonewalling is highly correlated with emotional flooding - which is being overwhelmed by difficult emotions. Stonewalling, whilst incredibly frustrating for the other partner, is a protective mechanism. And it's also not a healthy way of dealing with things within a partnership.
The way to change this is to acknowledge that is is happening and take a break from the conflict. Then go and take a 20-30 minute break and do something that allows you to calm down. This is called physiological self-soothing. Do some breathing/mindfulness exercises, take a walk, read a book... Just don't stew on the conversation or what you're going to say when you go back.
The second point which is also crucial, is to mutually agree to a time to return to the conversation, and then actually do it. This is the part most couples miss - usually, they leave it and then it 'blows over'... but because it's not resolved, it'll come up again. This is how resentment builds. We can't resolve every issue we have, but not resolving anything at all is a good way to lead to the erosion of trust and connection.
Give these a go and see if that helps to change your conflict cycle.
If you and your partner would like to do couples therapy, you can find out more here or book a session here.
S.W.
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